Wanted: Man

Description: specifically, a human of the male gender, to fulfill the duties of “man” (qualifications follow). “Man” may sometimes be referred to as “MY man” when all is well and as “THE man” when expectations aren’t being met.

Qualifications:

1. A pulse
2. Prefer all body parts intact and functioning, certain exceptions may be made depending on strength of other qualifications and the body parts in question. We (I mean me, myself and I) discriminate, discriminately.
3. No little blue pills
4. No other pills (certain exceptions apply)
5. Certain natural remedies are tolerated in moderation (certain exceptions apply)
6. Must have work ethic, a steady and reputable job, or a successful, and preferably legal business, a trust fund, a handsome portfolio managed with a Warren Buffett strategy, a winning MegaMillions or Powerball ticket, or be able to sustain self (and not me, to be clear), economically, legally, and independently, forever. And beyond.
7. Must have sharp wit, keen sense of humor, laugh easily, even at himself, and, most importantly, not quote Jeff Foxworthy or Larry the Cable Guy jokes (this includes you, too, Jeff and Larry)
8. An open mind; no prejudice, bigotry, or bias. Tolerance and general acceptance of others is critical
9. Certain, periodic, non-threatening, non-controlling, displays of public affection are smiled upon
10. Must possess (your own) valid driver’s license, with no restrictions
11. Must love (or like a whole bunch) the outdoors; camping, backpacking, hiking, fishing, paddling, etc. By “love the outdoors” we mean the “outdoors” outside of the house and not just the outdoors as seen on TV or by simply driving through it with the windows up and the AC on. “Love the outdoors”, in certain situations, depending on the strength of other qualifications, can be adapted to mean “tolerates MY love of the outdoors and the extended periods of absence such love may necessitate”
12. Somewhat spiritual, preferably Buddhist, or Bu-curious (curious about Buddhism)
13. Adventurous (your interpretation of that is a testament to your candidacy)
14. Patience is kind of cool
15. Golfing is a detractor
16. Cannot stalk, spy, check up on, call or text constantly; we are adults, not mischievous adolescents. Trust is imperative and autonomy is mandatory. Reciprocation is implied. Revocation of entire agreement is immediate if you are, in fact, behaving like a mischievous adolescent or are in violation of this principle
17. Willingness to travel is awesome. Willingness to leave parents, friends and the home town you’ve spent most of your life in, on occasion, sometimes for more than a week, and maintain some semblance of mental stability for the duration, is a non-negotiable factor
18. Must love food, eat clean most of the time, prefer organic and understand that GMO is not just OMG spelled backwards
19. Must not mock the fact that I take pictures of food and beverages
20. Must be able to spell “philandering”, but not engage in philandering, unless a revision to the agreement is secured in advance
21. Good cooking is a plus. Not criticizing my cooking is a requirement. If you don’t like it, a) offer to cook b) starve c) join a “bowling league” and eat out lots d) enroll us in a couples cooking class (I love to learn, wink, wink)
22. No Lycra
23. Must tolerate my Lycra
24. Age: a youthful heart, an old soul, a childlike joy and curiosity, emotionally mature, the libido of a twenty year old, and the physical attributes of a somewhat fit 20 – 50 year old (human)
25. Must tolerate my compulsion for doing the dishes, drying out the shower, folding clothes, and making the bed – I cheerfully perform these tasks, I begrudgingly allow others to assist
26. Must be able to form complete sentences and express self verbally, in writing, and via text message, proficiency in original physical comedy a huge bonus
27. General attitude of optimism is imperative
28. Handsome is nice, cute is better, accents are fun
29. No minimum education requirements; critical and independent thinking is, however, critical. Shall not support arguments by quoting “they say”, meaning someone on a television/radio program. Ability to cite multiple, reputable, factual, independent, unbiased, sources a plus.
30. From the neck up; hair or no hair, here, there, I don’t care (exception; excessive nostril hair, ear canal hair and less than two eyebrows are immediate disqualifiers, hairy warts and moles are gross, please have them permanently removed and reapply). Hair below the neck; less is more
31. Understands that louder does not mean more correct
32. Basic aptitude with smartphone and other technology helpful
33. The human digestive system requires the expulsion of gas, in various forms, at regular intervals throughout any given day. Some days more than others. I know this to be a fact, I wish not to be reminded. Manliness is not secured through loud outbursts of gas followed by proud exclamations and laughter.
34. Non felonious
35. Excellent personal hygiene imperative; must smell good and taste even better
36. Open minded (read “willing to concede”) to placement and keeping of the kitchen sponge, the dish brush, dish soap, and the toaster
37. Cannot be perfect, nor expect perfection
38. Must appreciate, if not love, wine
39. Must love life and be positive in attitude and nature more often than not
40. Must love beer

Must love beer

Qualifications may change, without written notice, randomly and/or suddenly, without warning, depending on any of the following; mood, enlightening experiences, recommendations from the girl posse, intel, excessive alcohol consumption (by either party), or other, as of yet, unidentified conditions or circumstances.

This is an “at will” opportunity and can be terminated by the obligor (me), at will, without cause. The obligee (he), however, must provide well-documented, factual, cause for termination with a minimum of two-week’s notice required.

As this list is extensive, thorough, and all desired qualifications are incredibly important to the “maker of the list”, concessions may be made, in certain circumstances. There is a weighted grading algorithm, where certain attributes will (sometimes FAR) outweigh certain shortcomings. This grading formula, however, will not be published, and the use and application of said algorithm is, actually, somewhat arbitrary and capricious and only employed when certain uncertainties exist (if you don’t know the definition of “capricious”, for example, you need not apply, unless, numbers 1, 7, 24, and 40 are incredibly strong).

The preceding list of qualifications has been adapted and revised based on many years of study and several long term case studies using live specimens. The list has evolved from a list of just one qualification (1. A pulse) to its present form over decades of thorough testing, field studies, collaboration with other scientists (the girl posse), and recent findings.

Possession of all qualifications is unlikely, but, should the case arise, it does not, in itself, constitute a binding agreement, by either party, and all qualifications will be “peer reviewed” and cross-referenced, audited, typed and cross-typed, and matched and cross-matched, before further action is considered.

Apply hereinafter.